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Absolute Truths According to a Convoluted Sociopath

January 1, 2009

“Do you know what your New Years Resolution is this year?” When people ask you this question are you offended? Well you should be.

Do people often say to you “you are fat, are you going to try and lose 50 pounds? You smell bad, are you going to try and quit smoking? You can’t control your actions, are you going to try and get out of debt?”

What was your New Year’s resolution? is a messed up question. First, that person thinks you have not one fault, but many, so they are basically asking, “which one of your many faults are you going to attempt, and probably fail, to fix.” I think we should answer that infamous question with “I don’t know, what do you suggest I resolve.” Did you hear that? That was the sound of the table turning … gotcha Bitch!

I try to imagine how a perfect person would respond if asked that question. For us to agree that no perfect person exist on “this planet” we would have to imagine that Kirk Cameron does not exist, which is difficult, but possible. This paragraph wasn’t really trying to make a point or lead up to anything, I simply wanted to use Kirk Cameron in this article … and that- is one less resolution I can check off my list.

How is a resolution measured? Is one resolution completed more successful than another? Is my resolution of shaving my moustache, which I will complete one minute after the New Year, less successful than the failed, unrealistic, resolution to lose 100 pounds? What if they lose 25 lbs, 50lbs, and 99 lbs? They failed at their goal of losing 100 lbs, where I successfully shaved my entire moustache, not half.   I agree! My shaving the moustache, and completing my resolution, does make me more successful than that of the person who made $99,000 when their goal was to earn $100,000. You can’t put a price or label on self-satisfaction. Aim small … it has its perks.

By Chad Phillips.

Here is a list of simple, self-satisfying, New Years resolution:

-Buy a new ring tone
-Relearn cursive (you know you haven’t used it since fifth grade and you forgot how to write a capital G)
-Stop using the word “fuss” and just say the real curse word … it feels so right
-Tell more lies and then yell NOT!

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